We at Caines Law are dynamic figures, often scaling walls and crushing ice. We have been known to remodel tube stations in our lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention.
We translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees and we write award winning opera’s and manage time efficiently. Occasionally, we tread water for three days in a row.
We can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and cook thirty minute brownies in twenty minutes. We are experts in stucco, veterans in love and outlaws in Peru. We play bluegrass cello and one of the partners was scouted by Arsenal and was the subject of a documentary. When we are bored, we build large suspension bridges in our back garden.
Another Partner can hurl a tennis racket at small moving objects with delayed accuracy. Yet another Partner once read Moby Dick, Paradise Lost and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. We know the exact location of every food in the supermarket.
We enjoy urban hand gliding. On Wednesdays after work we repair electrical appliances free of charge. Another Partner is an abstract artist, concrete analyst and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over our original line of corduroy evening wear. We don’t get stressed. No. Although all the Partners are private citizens, the postman is fed up of all the fan mail he has to deliver. Last summer we toured Suffolk with a travelling centrifugal force demonstrator. One of the Partners’ deft floral arrangements has earned her fame in international botany circles. Children trust us.
We balance, we weave, we dodge and we frolic. And all our bills are paid. On weekends, to let off steam, we participate in full contact fishing. Years ago we discovered the meaning of life but sadly could not find a pen to write down the formula. No matter. We have made extraordinary four course meals using only a blender and toaster oven. We breed prize winning clams. We have collectively won cliff diving competitions in Sri Lanka and spelling tests at the Kremlin. One of the Partners has played Hamlet, and another has performed open heart surgery and yet another has spoken to Elvis. But we still have not managed to persuade you to try our legal services. Curious… Call Caines Law.